Saturday I had my first taste of how it feels to have a hole in my heart at Christmastime.
I had some shopping to do, and because friends were otherwise busy, I went by myself. I walked into JCPenney, and immediately saw a table of sweatshirts, marketed toward grandmothers. You know, the ones that have applique designs of teddy bears that say "My grandkids are BEARY special" and other sayings like that.
I started crying right there in the middle of JCPenney! I realized that #1: If Grandma were alive, she would be shopping with me right now. She was always the one I called to go shopping with me. And #2: If Grandma were alive, I'd be buying her one of those sweatshirts, because she likes them and they were a good deal (and she always liked a good deal!). I tried to dry my tears because I had a whole day of shopping ahead, but in the few hours I was out I found myself randomly tearing up.
That night we went to a Christmas program at a nearby church. It was amazing--a two hour program complete with a huge Christmas tree, lights timed to music, and a play. Even snow falling from the ceiling!! When the opening started, I found myself sobbing again, because I realized that if Grandma had been alive, I likely would have invited her to come along, and she would have loved a program like that!
I had not realized just how hard the holidays, especially Christmas, were going to be without her. She is so deeply missed.
5 comments:
I am so sorry Nicole. It will just take time. What a great woman that you had in your life.
:)
Nicole, she is still with you during all these things...just not physically. When you saw those sweatshirts it was your gram letting you know you weren't shopping alone...she was with you like always. Maybe years from now you will be shopping and see those sweatshirts and you'll smile instead of cry. All in due time.
Even though you may be sad for some time, just think of all the years of memories you have and how lucky you were to have so many good times...and pass them on to your children.
Thank you, Angie and Amy. Those are very sweet words. And Amy, I had never thought of it that way. Very comforting.
Hi, I just found your blog today via Rocks In My Dryer... and I just felt compelled to contact you. I lost my Grandma, who was more like my mom, Sept 30 of this year. It's been difficult. I also have two boys (4 and 2) and am 17 weeks pregant with #3. I tried to find a way to just email you or something through your blog, but this seems the only way to leave you a message. It just seems like we have a lot in common under very similar circumstances. =) Do you have a facebook acct? You could find me there...
i have a huge lump in my throat after reading this. i agree with amy, her words were comforting. you are in my thoughts this season!
kim.
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